The Raw Review 5/14/2012

WWE Monday Night RAW 5/14/2012
The CONSOL Energy Center  Pittsburgh, PA

Tonight's edition of the Raw Review is brought to you by Vodka. Making wrestling more watchable since the year 1114.

1. Triple H's big announcement and Confrontation with Paul Heyman.

First off, would it have killed Triple H to wear a T-Shirt and a bogus cast? This suit/brace combo screams FAKE!!

I really liked Hunter's words here. He told the truth, plain and simple. Brock couldn't handle the rigors of WWE in 2004 and he DID quit. Brock couldn't continue to take the abuse in UFC and he DID quit (although The Game did leave out the whole part about Lesnar having diverticulitis and having a section of his intestine removed, which created a huge bulls eye for his opponents, but who cares about all of that, right?).

This brings out Paul Heyman who serves Triple H and WWE a lawsuit for breach of contract.

God damn did I miss Paul Heyman. His promos are better than any wrestler currently in WWE and when he speaks he has legitimate passion in his voice. The man loves this business and it shows. We could use 25 more of him in the industry.

2.  CM Punk & Santino vs Daniel Bryan & Cody Rhodes

Punk & Santino? What?  Bryan & Rhodes on the other hand is an awesome pairing.

This turned out to be a really good match, even with Santino's comedy sprinkled in. I came out of this match both wanting to see Punk/Bryan even more than I already did (If that's possible), and wanting to see a Punk/Rhodes feud down the line. That's a huge win in my booky wook.

Finish: Punk escapes an attempted Cross Rhodes, sending Cody into a failed attempt at the Cobra. After dodging Santino, Rhodes get hit with the GTS for the three count.

Winners: CM Punk & Santino

3. Beth Phoenix vs Alicia Fox

Ughh. I will start commenting on Diva's matches again when Kharma returns.

Finish: Glam Slam. 1-2-3

Winner: Beth Phoenix

4. The Big Show vs Kane

AGAIN?!!! After tonight I NEVER want to see this match EVER again!! This screams '99-'00, and that's where they should have left this match up. And Big Johnny and David Otunga are at ringside. Joy.

Throughout the night we had the 'priviliage' to see recaps of The Big Show insulting Laurinaitis last week, set to serious music. Fun.

Finish: Big Johnny distracts Show by demanding an apology, which sets up the weakest Chokeslam of all time. Kane with the pin to end my suffering.

Winner: Kane

Post Match:  Big Johnny again demands that Big Show apologizes. Show breaks down, refusing to let Lauriniatis get the better of him. But he still manages to say he is sorry. Johnny then forces Show to get on his knees and apologize again, before Future Endeavoring him.

I predict that in order to keep his job, Show will join Big Johnny and cost John Cena the match this Sunday. It's the only scenario that works here.

5. Brodus Clay, Kofi Kingston, & R-Truth vs Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, & The Miz

I like that they found a way to get all of these guys on television this week. Too bad I missed almost the entire match while making myself another drink.

Finish: Trouble in Paradise followed by a big Splash by Clay for the three.

Winners: R-Clayston

6. Chris Jericho vs Randy Orton

Good little match by these two. I always enjoyed their chemistry the few times I've seen them fight. Wouldn't mind seeing a program set up for Summerslam between them, if Jericho is still under contract to WWE by then. If not, I want to see Jericho vs Sheamus for the World Title at the annual Summer spectacular.

Finish: Orton goes for the RKO, but Sheamus pulls Jericho out of the ring after some earlier shit talking by Y2J to cause a DQ.

Winner: Chris Jericho

Post Match: The refs separate Orton and Sheamus.

7. Big Johnny & John Cena go ass to mouth...I mean face to face.
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Wow did this segment suck. After last weeks Punk/Laurinaitis grade school back and forth, I'm pretty much done with the juvenile BS promos in WWE. It doesn't do anything for me, maybe when I was a teen I would find this crap amusing, But at 30 this is not what gets a laugh out of me. I guess since over half of Cena's fans are younger maybe they write this for them? Quoting Ace Ventura in 2012? Really? I am so done with John Cena's joking around, it's never funny. The guy acts like my 12 year old and not in a good way.

So I will cut out all of the crap and just comment on the main points from this debacle.

The match will be one-on-one. There will be NO Special Guest referee. No one is allowed at ringside. The only way to win is by pinfall or submission, and any Superstar who interferes in the match will be immediately terminated. Should Big Johnny lose the match to, then he will be terminated.

My prediction remains solid. Since The Big Show was fired, he is not a current WWE Superstar, so he cant be terminated. So it is written, so it shall come to pass. Quote Jeremy, Nevermore...or something.

Final Vedict: Wow, was this show garbage. I really wanted to at least give it another 50/50 rating, but after looking at how short this weeks review was, I just couldn't do it. And by saying how short it was, I mean nothing stood out on this show after the first 30 minutes for me to be bothered to talk about. This would almost be passable for a normal episode of Raw, but not with a go home show. How was this supposed to sell pay-per-views? The answer is, it wont. I think WWE just convinced a ton of people to save their money and either stream the show, or just read the results.

I would call the first quarter hour a win, but the rest of the show, and especially last segment pulled this show down several notches for me. And there was WAY too much John Laurinatis on this episode for me. He was in three major segment of the show, and that is never good.