Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Raw Review 4/09/2012

WWE Monday Night RAW 4/9/2012
The Verizon Center Washington, DC.

1. Big Johnny comes out to start tonight's episode. He has theme music now and boy does it suck. Johnny welcomes Brock Lesnar back to the WWE and HERE COMES THE PAIN!! During his entrance Michael Cole mentions him being in UFC (I figured they would never bring that up) Lesnar starts off by praising Laurinaitis, I guess that is one way to get the people to boo him.

Before Lesnar can say anything else, here is John Cena with his big stupid grin. Cant this guy take anything seriously? It hurts the product when he does crap like that. Cena takes his time after getting in the ring, once he's done smiling he walks right up to Brock and slaps the taste out of his mouth, and we have a brawl!

The locker room empties to pull the two off of each other. They get them separated and Cena's mouth is split open. Cena then leaps at Lesnar and they are back at it. Once separated again, Brock is pulled out of the ring to end this fight.

That was a little underwhelming. I really wanted to hear Lesnar explain why he attacked Cena last week. But seeing blood on WWE programming again, even if by accident, was kinda cool.

After the break they show a replay of the punch that busted up Cena's mouth. It was a STIFF shot. I think Brock forgot he was no longer in the octagon.

2. Brodus Clay & Santino vs Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger

Looks like we will get more than a squash from Funkasaurus this week. And like I said last week, these guys can become the best tag team in WWE. Too bad WWE hates tag team wrestling. The titles were the only belts not defended at Wrestlemania, which is criminal.

During the match, Brodus was taken down to the mat, and was on the defensive for the first time in his WWE career. Which is good, squash matches will only get a character so far. You need to be on the defensive once in a while to become sympathetic and get the crowd to pull for you.

Clay and Santino rebound and Ziggler takes the big splash to end it.

Winners by Pinfall: Brodus Clay & Santino

3. Backstage Big Johnny tells the Miz they will talk next week, and Miz leaves. Guess they just wanted to keep him in the mix somehow. Enter Virgil...I mean Teddy Long followed by John Cena. Cena brushes off his fight with Lesnar and tells Johnny to find him an opponent for tonight. Cena leaves and Laurinaitis yells at Long and sends him to fetch David Otunga.

4. Santino searches for The Three Stooges and finds Kane instead. Kane just stares him down until Santino scampers off. Please WWE, don't use Kane in bogus comedy bits if you want us to buy him as a legit monster. That should be obvious by now, right?

5. R-Truth vs Cody Rhodes

The match goes for about a minute before we get The Big Show. He shows a video of Rhodes losing last week to Kofi, which distracts him enough to get hit with the Lie Detector.

Winner by Pinfall: R-Truth

6. Santino finds a large crate backstage. He opens it and finds The Three Stooges.  They do one of the dumbest comedy bits I have ever seen on WWE TV, and that is saying something. I hate crap like this. If you want to book stars and have them promote their movies, fine. But why must you insult our intelligence by having them appear in character and use cheesy sound effects? Just dumb.

7. Lord Tensai vs Yoshi Tatsu

This is basically the same match we saw from Tensai last week. He dominates the match, The referee stops it after Yoshi takes too much abuse, and Tensai locks on the Claw afterwards. Simple but effective.

Winner by Stoppage: Lord Tensai

8. CM Punk comes to the ring for his rematch with Mark Henry. Before the match Punk grabs the mic and talks about his Straight Edge lifestyle. He says that the reasons he became 'Edge' was personal, eluding to events that occurred within his family. Punk says Jericho trash talking his family was one thing, but what he did last week with the bottles of whiskey was too far.  He says that it made him emotional to realize that he smelled just like his Dad did when he would come home drunk.

Jericho interrupts via the big screen and asks if Punk is hungover. He says Punk is on his first bender, which Punk denies. Y2J calls Punk CM Drunk and tells him this is the first step in his recovery program.

Punk responds by saying he will use the darkness that Jericho has brought into his life to destroy Y2J.

Best segment of the night, which isn't hard the way they booked the show tonight. Plus, it's Punk and Jericho out there. They always deliver when given the chance.

9. WWE Title: CM Punk© vs Mark Henry

This was a non-match. They end up outside and Punk nails Henry with a monitor and its over folks.

Winner by DQ: Mark Henry

After the match Punk goes to crush Henry's head with the monitor, but here comes Jericho with a couple cases of beer. Henry hits multiple World's Strongest Slams on Punk to leave him laid out in the ring.

Jericho gets in the ring and goes to pour the beer on Punk, but he recovers and takes him down. Punk ends up eating a Codebreaker and takes a beer bath. After having several cans of beer dumped on him, Punk stirs only to get hit with a second Codebreaker.

10. Alberto Del Rio vs Zack Ryder

Another short match that wasn't given enough time to mean anything. This makes no sense and cancels out last weeks match between Ryder and Miz, where they did a good job of making each other look good. I guess I should get used to the fact that Ryder is a glorified Jobber now.

Del Rio avoids a Rough Ryder and locks in the Cross Armbreaker to end it in less than a minute and a half.

Winner by Submission: Alberto Del Rio

11. Here come the damn Three Stooges. Ugh!!

Larry and Moe come to the ring followed by Will 'Curly' Sasso doing a Hulk Hogan impression that wasn't half bad. I like Sasso. He is a wrestling fan in real life and has been on Raw and Nitro in the past. You can tell he loves being out there, which is cool because he never phones it in like other celebrities.

Pyro explodes and here comes Kane!! Moe and Larry take off, so The Big Red Monster goes after Sasso who eats a chokeslam.

Final verdict: Screw the Three Stooges, but Will Sasso is welcome to come back.

12. Mark Henry is interviewed and says Big Johnny is giving him a third WWE Title shot next week. No Countouts, No DQ.

Thats cool, but give us a true finish this time please.

13. Brock Lesnar is interviewed backstage. He mentions how he left WWE and went to UFC and became champion, where according to him, he was the reason for all of their success. No, that would be Dana White, Brock. He says Cena is not in his league and is proud he drilled him in the mouth. He says that he is not back to make friends and is a "War Machine and an Ass Kicker" and a proud one at that.

14. John Cena vs David Otunga

Oh great, David F*#@ing Otunga in the main event of Raw?! F*#k this episode. First we get only a handful of matches that are given no time, Then they use that time they could have added to, you know, WRESTLING MATCHES and give it to the Three Stooges and lame backstage interviews, and now David Otunga is in the main event? The worst wrestler on the damn roster, in my opinion, is put in the final segment.? FFS.

Also, here is a fun fact. On the April 12, 2010 episode of Raw, the main event was Cena vs Otunga. Did they not learn two years ago that putting them in the ring together is not a good idea?


Cena's mouth gets split open again at the end of the match. Seeing him bleed twice has literally been the best thing on this damn show, behind the Punk/Jericho stuff.

Attitude Adjustment followed by an STF ends my misery.

Winner by Submission: John Cena

After the match Lesnar hits the ring and gives Cena a low blow and an F5. Lesnar stands over Cena's beaten corpse as Big Johnny watches on approvingly.

I can't believe that after a great show last week, they give us this sloppy mess of a Raw. They seriously just ruined a lot of the momentum that they had built over the last month in two short hours. This was pure garbage.

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