Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Raw Review 3/12/2012

1. Tonight we are LIVE in Cleveland, Ohio!! We kick the night off with John Cena's freestyle rap performance.

Cena comes out with his old school gear and attitude. Nice!

"The Doctor of Thuganomics" starts off PG, but quickly moves onto lines about jacking off, Rocky's bitch tits, chicken shit, and Cleveland steamers. Fantastic. He ends with his old gag of a testicle joke, followed by throwing a bag of nuts at the camera.

This wasn't as good as his 2003 rhymes, but it beats the hell out of his current character.

2. Excuse Me!! Out comes Vicky Guerrero to introduce Dolph Ziggler for this next match.

Dolph Ziggler vs Sheamus

The match starts off with some nice ring work. Sheamus impresses with some mat wrestling, as Ziggler bumps and sells the action perfectly, like he tends to do.

Vicky distracts Sheamus as Ziggler sneaks under the ring and comes up from behind to blast 'The Great White', before sending him hard into the announce table.

Ziggler is in full control, as we go to Daniel Bryan and AJ who are watching from a skybox. They tease problems in thier relationship, and I just want to watch the damn match.

Back in the ring, Sheamus takes back control and after a botched Celtic Cross, He hits the Brogue Kick to pick up the win.

Winner: Sheamus

3.  Handicapped Match: Santino vs David Otunga & Mark Henry

Otunga is now the leader of Team Big Johnny and Santino will head up Team Annoying Bald Black Dude at Wrestlemania. Oh lord...

This was supposed to be a mixed tag match, but Big Johnny makes a last minute change and stacks the deck against Santino, making it 2 on 1.

As the match starts, Teddy Long comes out and pushes Laurinaitis backwards over one of the chairs at the commentary booth. While all of this is happening, Santino goes for the Cobra but is stopped by Henry. World's Strongest Slam and its over already.

Henry and Otunga double team Santino until Kofi Kingston hits the ring, followed by R-Truth. But it makes no difference as the faces take a beating. Big Johnny then unveils Henry as the second member of his Wrestlemania team.

Winners: David Otunga & Mark Henry

4. The Broski catches the Hoski backstage. Zack confronts Eve about ducking him all week after their big kiss last week.

Eve once again says they should just be friends...with benefits!! Holla!!

This is interrupted by Beth Phoenix who teases crashing the show Extra this week. Who cares? Beth asks if she too can have a pet Ryder and gets blown off by the dirtiest little slut in WWE.

5. Backstage The Miz introduces James Roday from Psych.

Big Johnny is more than a little annoyed at having his phone call interupted. He makes a match for tonight between Miz and Punk.

Miz leaves to get ready for his match as Roday does some dumb comedy with Big Johnny.

6. They show a local commercial for the TNA house show staring Hulk Hogan. I wonder how much TNA paid for that spot?

7. The Funkasaurus vs Jinder Mahal

The Funkasaurus returns!! One of my top five current favorites for sure.

Jinder jumps Brodus Clay from behind early, which only serves to piss off the big man. Somebody call his momma!! Big T-bone suplex, followed by a huge splash sends Mahal back to the showers early.

Winner: Funkasaurus

8. Shawn Michales calls out The Undertaker!!

Last week we got dissension between HBK and Triple H. This week we are treated to a refresher of the long standing issues these two legends have harbored for the past 15 years.

Shawn begins by hyping the Hell in a Cell match and reminds us about Triple H saying everyone thinks that HBK is a loser for not "getting it done" two years in a row against Taker.

Michales calls BS on all of that, saying that NOBODY has ever said those things about The Showstopper. Which leads to bringing out the man that this all revolves around...The Undertaker.

Taker comes to the ring and Michaels talks up their past as the standards in the WWE locker room. HBK then challenges him to call him a loser to his face.

Taker responds by placing those rumored comments square in the lap of Triple H himself. He then goes on to threaten Shawn to not screw him over in Miami.

Taker is leery of Michaels ability to call it down the middle. Remember Summerslam 1997?

Shawn brings up the irorny that it could be HIM that ends the streak after all.

Taker responds by saying if he helps Triple H end the streak, he will end HBK!!

Shawn exits the ring, and once on the stage out comes Triple H to smirk at The Deadman. After Michales leaves, The Game gives Taker a crotch chop and walks away smiling.

Loving this storyline. But thats a given with the players involved.

9. James Roday is out to do the ring announcing for our next match. I could care less about his dumb show, but as a ring announcer this guy is MONEY!!

10. Non-title: CM Punk vs The Miz

Just in case you didn't know, If Miz wins he gets to join Team Big Johnny, And Jericho is watching from backstage.

Nice back and forth match as these two usually have. But Miz ends up in an Anaconda Vice to lose a match that was WAY too quick.

Winner: CM Punk

Post match Chris Jericho arrives via the big screen. Y2J makes this rivalry personal by bringing up Punk's alcoholic father, and how he will succumb to the same vices that his father once did after he loses at Wrestlemania. This backstory has been explained by Punk in Ring of Honor, and it brings a nice element of reality to this feud.

Punk collects his title belt, then leaves the ring dejected.

11. Randy Orton vs Jack Swagger

I spend this entire match deciding exactly how much I don't care about this bout. I refuse to even give Swagger a chance. Screw that guy. But for what it was, this match was pretty hard hitting. An RKO ends this one if anybody cares.

Winner: Randy Orton

After the match, Kane's pyro explodes and we get...NOTHING!! The Big Red Machine was just taunting Orton.

12. This week on Smackdown we get the return of Christian, as he interviews Big Johnny on The Peep Show!! I really missed Captain Charisma.

Plus next week on Raw HBK, Triple H, and The Undertaker will all be in the ring at the same time. I for one, Can't wait.

13. It's time for The Rock Concert!!

I have been waiting for this all night!! "The Great One" never fails to entertain in these kind of segments.

Rock starts by sucking up to the crowd for setting a new Cleveland attendance record.

Then come the Vanilla Ice jokes for Cena's rap that started the show. Did Robert Van Winkle really bang a Teletubby? Only John Cena's parents know...

"Jailhouse Rock" is the tune to which Rocky lays down his melodies. He starts by singing about Cena's menstrual cycle, being an Eminem wannabe, not having balls, rectal exams, kissing Eve even though he's married, and having lady parts. He then calls John Cena fans "42 year old virgins" (true story), and sings about nailing Cens's mother. Jerry Lawler is dying laughing on commentary, and I am too.

This had me nostalgic for when The Rock and Stone cold sang a duet live on Raw in 2001.

We then get a karaoke version of "We will rock you", which the "Great One" manages to flub at a few points. But He eventually gets on beat and ends the show with the crowd in the palm of his hand.

That was just awesome. If Cena indeed won their war of words last week, Rocky just stepped up and brought it!!

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